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Ministers to consider raising the speed of light

Transport Secretary Philip Hammond today announced that the government would be consulting on raising the current limit of the speed of light. ‘The 300-million-metres-per-second speed limit was...

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Eurobillions ‘traced’ to small black hole near Brussels

TV boffin Professor Brian Cox thinks he’s tracked down the disappearing eurobillions, but too late to help the struggling economies of Greece, Italy and Spain. ‘It’s amazing,’ explained Cox from a...

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Large Hadron Collider finds car keys

It cost some £6.2 billion to build, but the Large Hadron Collider may have justified that enormous price tag after it finally located Professor Brian Cox’s lost car keys. The keys were lost by Cox in...

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Telescopes bought after first series of ‘Stargazing Live’ already back in lofts

With the second series of BBC2′s ‘Stargazing Live’ over, lofts across Britain are once again filling up with the telescopes bought after the first series. Last year’s series saw astrophysicist Brain...

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‘Risk of black hole’ if lack of attention causes Brian Cox’s head to implode

Scientists at CERN have issued a warning of a possible black hole when Brian Cox returns to the site to resume his ’day job’. ‘We’ve noticed a dramatic increase in the matters of Professor Cox’...

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UK Borders Agency accused of stuffing Channel Tunnel with impatient visa...

The UK Border Agency (UKBA) has today admitted that it has been using the Channel Tunnel as a storage facility for immigrants, after complaints from Eurostar. Some 14,000 applicants, growing at a rate...

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Particle physics ‘all made up’ admit boffins

Scientists everywhere have been left red faced today as it has been revealed that the whole standard model theory of particle physics is entirely fictional. For years, billions of pounds have been...

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Scotland votes in favour of merger of Brian Coxes

Brian Cox the actor and Dr Brian Cox the scientist will become one single unitary Brian Cox, the result of a unique referendum held in Scotland. Hitherto, the existence of an English and Scottish Cox...

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Neptune cleared over World Cup bid irregularities

FIFA announced this morning that their internal inquiry has formally cleared the successful 2022 World Cup bid from the planet Neptune of all corruption charges.  ‘This is great news,’ explained Tharak...

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Fermat’s theorem proof found in pudding

For once it’s not an overstatement to say that the world is in shock today with the announcement that the proof really is in the pudding. Following the accidental discovery of the missing short proof...

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Ministers to consider raising the speed of light

Transport Secretary Philip Hammond today announced that the government would be consulting on raising the current limit of the speed of light. ‘The 300-million-metres-per-second speed limit was...

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Liam Fox says ‘falling off a cliff is more likely when you step over the edge’.

“People who step over cliffs are far more likely to crash to the bottom, due to the ‘intransigence’ of gravity”, Liam Fox has claimed.  The international trade secretary put the chances of falling from...

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Quantum physicist uses sports journalist to make something out of nothing

European scientists have placed a TalkSPORT radio commentator inside the Large Hardon Collider in an attempt to create matter from anti-matter. Top radio host Colin Murray agreed to stand inside the...

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Social gatherings restricted to one butt cheek or one elbow

Tough new COVID restrictions have been imposed in England, with people being asked to spontaneously combust, implode and disappear into a space-time wormhole. In worst hit areas like Chorley and...

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